Birds of a Feather

My girlfriend, T, sent me the following email and I'm posting it here because it is a perfect example of kvetching at its finest. It's one of the reasons she continues to be a good friend - her whining is top-notch.

So, with no further introduction, please enjoy.

Tamara Nielson

I'm a good person. And reasonably easy to please, I think. I try not to stere...

11:27 AM (1 hour ago)

Tamara NielsonLoading...

11:27 AM (1 hour ago)

I'm a good person. And reasonably easy to please, I think. I try not to stereotype folks.

Let's say you have a police officer for a relative. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the are, positively and without a doubt, abusive bullies of lower than average intelligence. Okay, so I'll think it - but I won't say it.

Can't say I'm as flexible with real estate agents and their ilk. ("Ilk" - what a great word!) I'll apologize ahead of time if there are any beloved family members who are agents. And I'm sorry you've mistakenly assumed they had a soul. They don't.

So we've talked about Rush Limbaugh-guy, right? The one that was bragging about lying to a bank appraiser about there being pedophiles in the neighborhood to drive down the price? Nice. Those are his credentials. "I'm a conscienceless liar... and a Christian!" And I've also mentioned that severely injuring his nutsack is on my 'bucket list', right?

Let's move on to the next Rucker Hill agent. Two words. TED BAXTER. With a silver mustache. That he strokes in a very unnerving fashion. At least the real pretend Ted had an endearing quality to him. This is the joker who was raving about the view of the gigantic aircraft carrier in Port Gardner Bay from the living room and kitchen of one of his listings. Apparently, on a warm summer evening, you can open the window and hear them play 'Taps'. Yanno, just like you're on an army base. Ooooooh! So romantic!

So I'm sticking with Jerry the Weasel, our listing agent and erstwhile 'buyer's agent'. He's agreeable enough. In fact, that's the problem. He's enthusiastically agreeable to EVERYTHING I say. What a disingenuous fuck. It's really getting to be like fingernails on a chalkboard. And those eyes! Those bright, friendly eager eyes. Like a gerbil that smells food. He doesn't lie, though. To use his words, he "fibs". WTF? Dude, could you BE any more of a pussy? I'd rather work with a lying motherfucker than a 'fibber'. At least Rush has a sack to kick. Arrrgh.

It could be worse. I could be listed by Lorena. Here's the deal - if you're in sales and you look like Aileen Wuornos, go the extra mile and get a professional photo done. It's not that you have to be attractive, but maybe just a little less DANGEROUS looking? I was using the real estate search engine, Zip, and she came up as "my realtor". It was disturbing enough to have her mug on the side of every page I looked at. And I was starting to beat myself up a little about being shallow. I mean, who cares what she looks like, right? Well, she called me this morning to tell me she was my realtor. When I told her I already had one, Lorena got angry. Very angry. She said that if I'd found anything on Zip, I HAD to go through her. Fuck man, the chick knows where I live. Brrrrrr. So I did the only thing I could think of - I gave her Jerry's cell number. God, he's probable dead now.

So that's the latest from the land of rodents and reptiles known as "The Real Estate Market". More to come, I'm sure.

See what I'm sayin'?

Saunter Much?

There is an intersection near my place that sees quite a bit of traffic, both vehicular and foot. Volume-wise, it even reminds me a little bit of the West Village. Which wouldn't be a problem in, I'm guessing, most places. But, here, the pedestrians have this really weird (passive-aggressive) way of slowing down and sauntering through the (very busy) intersection, as though they are making some statement about their power as....pedestrians?

God, sometimes I miss New York. I think you know what I mean.

Where DO you draw the line?

I know that this is going to sound like the grumblings of someone who didn't attend a name-brand college (and, if the truth be known, I put in some semesters at a couple of Community Institutions of Higher Learning, but never matriculated). However, I would like to state right here and right now that I think there should be a point at which one should stop wearing or exhibiting their alma mater on either clothing or car-back-window-stickers. I'm going to be generous and say that I think that line should be drawn at two years after graduation.

I do think that the university emblem thing is all about bragging. When was the last time you saw someone sporting a sweatshirt that proclaimed "Hayward State?" What else would make someone in their forties put a Brown University sticker on their vehicle? Why would a thirty-five year old guy wear a Stanford sweatshirt? I cannot get into the psyche of the beast, but it smacks of elitism. And, I'm guessing that's what bugs me.

Butt As Billboard

I am a very lazy blogger because I just can't bring myself to find a photo of a large girl wearing a pronouncement across her ass. I settled, instead, for this young cutie and only because I think that I've made my case in spite of her lack of girth. Who uses their ass as a space for advertisement? From a manufacturer's point of view, it's brilliant. Otherwise, it's just downright dumb to draw attention to your hind quarters. I'm just sayin'.

Really Alarming

Category: Really Useless. (Sub Category: Scam) Item: Car alarms.

It's fucked up when a car alarm goes off just because some other (loud) vehicle drives by. Who sets their car alarm during the day? Do alarms really keep thieves from breaking into cars? I don't think so, because no one takes notice of activated alarms due to the 98% incidence of non-break-in-activation.

I would like to know the connection between the insurance companies, which give you a "discount" for having an alarm system, and the alarm manufacturers. Call me cynical, but I'm pretty sure there is one.

A Public Apology

I learned this morning that Miss California went and made ass during the Miss USA Pageant 2009 last night. Whah.

While I'm sorry that I missed the controversial Prop 8 question/answer, I'm downright heartbroken that I WAS NOT EVEN AWARE OF A PAGEANT ON TELEVISION and that the Pageant Posse has dismantled entirely.

I suppose this is a prime example of some of those good things that come to pass. Dammit.

Cultural Differences

It makes me crazy that someone can stand in line for, let's say, a bagel and get to the register and then.....take time to decide what it is that they want.

In New York City, this would just never fly. These people would be chewed up and spit out. In a good way.